Trump Implements Expensive Tax Reform In Honor Of “Go Bills!” Season Home Opener 2017

Fiction, News, Sport

President Trump gave a speech in North Dakota on September 6 in which he called for cuts to business and individual taxes, claiming falsely that the U.S. is “the highest-taxed nation in the world” (it is near the middle of the pack for developed nations, measured by taxes paid per person and share of GDP spent on taxes).

However, off-the-air interviews report after this speech,  it had totally slipped Trump’s mind that the NFL Season Opener was that upcoming weekend and he wanted to do something special in honor of his “Go Bills!” pride.

So how ’bout we keep the highest-taxed nation of the world the way it is for a little why longer?
donald-trump

Trump also disclosed (off the record) that he believes Sammy Watkins “was just such a disgrace” and it was “good riddance” to have him traded for merely nothing.

After this decision, American taxes are gonna be super expensive starting this weekend, y’all.

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Tobey Maguire Is An Evil Ploy Schemed By Free Masonry To Take Over Hollywood!

Fiction, News

NEVER BEFORE have you seen such SHOCKING EXCLUSIVE TRUTHS!
Tobey Maguire was a guy… OR YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This video is the start to my THE ZAKK SHOW releasing ONE NEW VIDEO EVERY SUNDAY! It’s exciting you know… because I’m beginning you off with some real heavy shit here.

TOBEY MAGUIRE your SPIDERMAN 1, SPIDERMAN 2, SPIDERMAN 3, SPIDERMAN 4 MAYBE… YOU NEVER KNEW!

This is a good soundtrack to a video, you’re right. But with no harm or offense being brought to Tobey here in anyway… seriously. ‘Cause like, I watched this other video on the TubeYouer about these two guys writing mean reviews about Tobey on his OWN WEBSITE and Tobey was all pissed and came to murder those two guys. That’s frightening shit man, I don’t think I could afford that in this point of my life right now.
But I CAN afford a funny video that will MAKE YOU SMILE while at the same time EXPOSING REAL TRUTHS not necessarily about REAL GHOSTS NEVER BEFORE SEEN but it’s a story you should most definitely enjoy.

tobeysokooliomanlikeomgz

tobeysokooliomanlikeomgz

THAT’S HIP DADDAYYYYYY! So don’t forget. eh?
ONE NEVER VIDEO brought to you courtesy of THE ZAKK SHOW and you can depend on it on YOUTUBE SLASH ZAKK STELMACH.
THAT’S CONSISTENT, THAT’S COURAGEOUS, THAT’S THE ZAKK SHOW!

#HIPSTAR

The First Four Minutes And Fifty-Four Seconds Of This College Film Is What Every Movie Nowadays Should Be And Will Blow Your Mind!!!!

Fiction

Films today are all bark and no bite, man.
You have three-hundred-million dollars being spent on Mark Ruffalo being green and jacked and presenting his violence with a comedic wit against his Avenger chums but in the end, what does it all mean? Before Mark had to be chromo-keyed to a green shade, wasn’t he just a disheveled-bearded dude in front of a green screen? Why do we the people have to pay for this? Can’t we just go back to the good old days of  your stoner dad slapping a big slab of raw meat hanging from the rafters of his homemade studio attic?

One of the most underrated visionaries of our time in the sense of film directing, Derrick Glen shows you that real art still exists, dude. His first short film, not many people know was actually a college project (handed in on time, I might add… he got a 98.3%).

Killer Custodian_title

Ahead of it’s time, brao.


 

my eyelids feel like sandbags, dude.

Starting with the agonizing hours of video footage rendering, it almost feels as if time is going backwards for Zakk as his pending doom lurks in the shadows.

KillerCustodian_005

Always drag someone with your back at a 90 degree angle so you don’t injure yourself

You know, it’s a hard job being a custodian so that’s why I feel this film is so relative to anyone’s everyday life. The stress of always cleaning up someone else’s mess can probably really get to you… I mean, I was never ever a janitor but I’d imagine it would suck. So like, hence why this KILLER CUSTODIAN knocks me out and drags me into his evil lair of an utilities closet. And then what does Zakk find … ?

THEY BAGGED DAVE, MAN!

THEY BAGGED DAVE, MAN!

 

Never has a wretched hive of scum and villainy imposed such carnage as going as far as killing Dave before Zakk! I couldn’t imagine the circumstances that occured when janitor man confronted Dave but I’m sure it was truly horrific. The look of fear as we had to say to our sweet prince of David Campbell.

 

Just look at those clean surroundings, you could tell the handy work of a janitor

Just look at those clean surroundings, you could tell the handy work of a janitor

But I’m all like “No way man am I going to let that Cleaning Clancy ™ store me with his  well-organized cleaning supplies perfectly labeled by WHMIS standards!” You know, so I bust through the roof and I shimmy my way to what I think is going to be my escape. But then KILLER CUSTODIAN’s itinerary indicates otherwise! ee-arr-ay-arr-why?

“HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEARRRRRT RIPPED OUTTTTTTT?!?”

The shocking expressions that were on the faces of the teachers that had to mark this, as a man’s heart was wrenched out of his chest. Or at least with enough crafty-made decoys gave you the impression of that. The pale look of desperation on Zakk’s face as blood cascades from his mouth like an overflowed bathtub when you forget the faucet is still running. Never has a college audience been so repulsed and offended by the cow heart we bought from the local supermarket was disguised as my own. We did not harm the actual cow though, we bought it from the corner of Third and Bellcrest.

"I hope Three's Company is on tonight."

“I hope Three’s Company is on tonight.”

If you dare watch this almost-five-minute video, don’t watch it with your children or parents. This perfectly-edited masterpiece should be on IMDB but this underrated talent is not meant for the simpleton. This is not your grandaddy’s film, this is a cinematic imagination beyond your brain. It’s like unicorns and rainbows man but with hearts being ripped out.

HIP STAR Promotes New Awesome Shirts To Compete With Other Athletes’ Black And White OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE T-Shirts

Fiction

Chael Sonnen, Brock Lesnar, The Great Baba.
zakkblog-BROCK

Legends have been made and now everybody craves that drive to build themselves stronger. WHO CAN BLAME THEM AMIRIGGGGHTTT!
But stay relevant if you are going to promote yourself, son. And we all know that in 2014 there is nothing more relevant than promoting your own self-merchandised black and white T-shirts!

Join the HIP STAR revolution today as somehow gimmicks sell and so does Zakk Atticus in 2014!
You can choose from an EXCITING COLLECTION of well-thought, witty AWESOME MERCHANDISE that you are able to purchase at any Zakk-Atticus-related event near you.
Or whenever he gets a .COM domain and you can like, PayPal him or some stuff.

SHIRT1SHIRT2SHIRT3SHIRT6

SHIRT4

 

This idea is blowing up THROUGH EVERY REGION IN THE WORRRRRRLD. BUBBA.
Seeing as THE INTERNET seems to be my 2nd job, I don’t see what’s stopping me from making many, MANY more of these wonderful OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE CHEAP COOL T-SHIRTS !!!!!

Stay True, Hip Star Believers.

SHIRT5 – HZA!

50 Things The Statue Of Liberty Would Be Holding If She Were Built In 2014

Fiction

Back in 1886, The French were all like “Let’s give d’ose Americyens a present” but like, what if they ended up  sitting on the idea for a couple few decades and built it today… what kind of bananigans would Lady Liberty be holding in her hand and why? I decided to go straight to the source.

1. An iPhone 

She must take the best selfies.

She must take the best selfies.

2. A Big Mac

Maybe she sold out.

Maybe she sold out.

3. Her Legal Rights

She's been waiting for her growing license for years.

She’s been waiting for her growing license for years.

4. A Bacon Cake

Because if there is one thing we have learned over time, it is to utilize our bacon strategically.

Because if there is one thing we have learned over time, it is to utilize our bacon strategically.

5. A SuperBowl Foam Finger

 

 

 

 

 

 

The News Runs Out Of News So They Make Something Up About Rob Ford

Fiction

It’s been a busy few weeks for that wretched hive of scum and villainy, The Media. Don’t you think?
R.I.P. PSH everyone should watch Jack Goes Boating and Mary & Max. There was also some Super Bowl festivity of football where the spelling of ‘Payton Monning’ could have more than one meaning. And I don’t know, that thing that happened last past week with that girl and that guy on television. Pop culture, yeahhhhh!

This week however was a struggle to most of those successul news outlets. While some goombah from Buzzfeed was smoking mescaline and making up some article like “37 Best Ways Not To Drown While Under Water”, the taken-seriously media sites were scratching their thinking caps with ideas.

One hard-working gal from CNN was like “I’ll make the effort to go interview the president?” but they were all like “Nahhh, that’s not news, dawg!”

So just when The Media was about to shut down in it’s entirety, a lightbulb struck all of them at once.
“Let’s just make up some quotes about that disastrous mayor we’re all loving to hate!” was the general consensus.
The idea was hurrah’d by all and followed with a mutual jumping in the air and fist pumping. These journalists knew they could have the rest of the day off after they just wrote a small general article containing some hurtful words that a man in a Mayor’s position should normally not be saying.

The Huffington Post hipsters were happy, as they just wrote “Rob Ford Is A Mean Dude, dude” and quickly retreated back to their bongs.

The higher paid journalists over at CNN put their efforts in high gear and simply took the meanest quotes of all time, made them more relevant and quoted them in Ford’s honor.
Like that time, Adolf Hitler was like “the personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil assumes the living shape of the Jew” but to make it more modern, they rewrote it something along the lines of “The devil is any skin color that isn’t my droopy white skin shade”.
Because who really remembers history anyways?
Or they just straight-up stole a quote from Drake and said Rob Ford said the exact same thing “Yeah and lately I do bitches the meanest. Tell ’em I love them and don’t ever mean it.” You hurtful player, Mr. Ford.
Rob-ford-drake

Buzzfeed just wrote some nonsense containing a headline of “67 Reasons Rob Ford Hates His Mother”… because all the other obscure numbers for lists were taken.

Other people quoted Ford to say “And truth be told, I’m not a big fan of the black people” which little did the readers know, was already a quote from a Kurt Angle WWE promo. Rob Ford has been rumored to be a wrestling fan though, so who knows!

After all of this hooplah, we are safe to say that The Media is back on track to taking the smallest of things and blowing bigger than it’s proportion so it can be considered “News”. It’s their job too, you guys.

If what got me food on the table everyday was a quota of stories I just had to make up to get your attention, I’d sure as hell kill at that 9-5! And boy, am I trying!
Hashtag Hire Me CNN

– ZS

The Old Man Who Wants To Converse While Peeing Next To Me

Fiction

It sucks when you go to the theater and really have to pee during the movie.
If it’s a good movie, I’ll suffer and sit through the remainder of the film. I’ll trooper it to the end and then let it all go once I make that expeditiously escape to urinal freedom.

Pee-runs are usually presented in hilarious fashion.

I break down the door like John McClane needed to instantly disarm a bomb hidden in the John. It’s not healthy to hold it in, probably.
But it sure feels good to have a good release once in a while.

And then it’s ruined. Some asscallion just has to step up and take the urinal right beside me.
Of course it’s an old man. It’s 8 p.m., what is his elderly fossil doing up at this hour?
(Just kidding, I love the aged).

Now I have to be careful and make sure eyes don’t wander. If he sneaks a peak, do I strike a retiree? How can I punch someone while I’m peeing at the same time? Would hitting him and peeing on him at the same time be the ultimate double whammy?

He looks over and wants to make eye contact.

“See any good movies lately?”, he casually asks without considering the sign out front the building we were currently in that was blatantly marked “Cineplex”.

“Yes. Just now”, was not an interested response. I still had a long pee to try and finish.

“Which one was it?” he inquires more.

Why did I have to hold this in? Because I held this in forever, I’m camped out for a good couple more minutes. And now I have to prolong conversation while I’m at it?

“Evil Dead”, my eyes are awkwardly focused straight ahead of me at the tile that is so repetitively placed on the wall.

And which I regret doing, I look around. His glare is staring back at me and looking at my shoes. He’s checking out my pumas. Great.

“What are you looking at?” I blurt out and I try to swerve my member in the opposite direction.

“Listen, it’s been a while”, he shoots with me.

“S-since you went to the movies?” I inquiringly stutter.

“Since I peed. It helps me to talk out loud. It’s not easy when you’re my age”, he shares his veteran intellect.

“You could just sing aloud. I won’t mind”, I almost finish the never ending leak.
Frank Zappa’s Why Does It Hurt When I Pee would be a suitable request.

“It needs to be calming conversation”, he continues to tell me more then I need to know.

I regret noticing that he hadn’t peed this entire time. Here I was peeing long enough to have someone else enter the room, undress beyond the knickers, whip it out and unleash his own liquid mammoth. (Strange how descriptive I got with that paragraph).
I had it lucky. I can pee fast and instantly. Never did I consider when I get older how much of a hiatus I might have to wait when pees need to be freed.

“It all started with an odd excursion to Taiwan back in ’89”, was his excuse to his blocked urine.

You couldn’t ask for a better meeting to a longterm penpal who only writes in extreme detail about what every STD looks like.

But seriously, elder or not, don’t stand next to me when we’re peeing, man.

A Love Letter To A Friend

Fiction

Dear You,

We knew eachother briefly. Though you knew the time we did get to spend together was worthy of every minute.

It felt so meant-to-be.

You hugged me like a comfortable child. You made me feel I could walk with my chin up and strut the street pelvis first.

You made me look dashing, sexy, simply irresistible. Envy filled streets like a soiled fish market on delivery day. It was a confidence I could never restore.

Though others may have doubted you, I always believed in the great memories we could have shared.

Hip galleries. Dinner for one. Swing sets.

Having you be mine couldn’t have satisfied me more. But our differences could not be ignored.

You slimmed me, yes. But you always shortened up as I extended my arms.

You gave me class or was it a wrong kind of attention?

You felt right on me but I do not regret the final decision I made.

I had to leave you there.

On the rack.

You were a blazer I’ll sadly never get to know.

I will always love you forever, always and never.

The Man Who Cleaned Up Puke With His Pants

Fiction

– This is a story of a man who once cleaned up puke with his pants. – 

So Jimmy needs a job so he walks into the local gin mill to drop off a work slate. He talks with the bartender briefly. She tells him that she is choosing to leave to persist new ventures, so this pub was indeed hiring for a responsible hardworker to work full time.
That was Jimmy, alright.
So he makes an introduction, glances at the score of the hockey game once or twice and politely leaves, his application in date.

Jimmy isn’t from downtown, so he makes his stay worthwhile the trip. He walks across the street to The Ho Brewery for some homecrafted pints.
Jimmy drank alcohol.
The energies of human interaction excited him, as his attitude became more joyous by the tenth minutes.

His company changed paths down the street to Danny Zack’s, where Jimmy continued his drinking crusade.
Danny Zack’s turned into Speedy Larry’s. When finished at Speedy Larry’s, the intention to eat a pita was assumed. So he ate one of those.

Before the night ended, Jimmy went for one last beverage at the only pub he could trust at this time of night. The same saloon he applied to work for.~

“Long time no see”, the bartender greets Jimmy.

Sometimes playing too much billiards makes Jimmy’s stomach upset.
So does stomaching two pitchers to himself.

Jimmy threw up that night.
All over and around the bathroom stall area.
But if he still wanted to work for this beer joint, he be better making a responsible action this instant.

Jimmy walks out of the bathroom and up to the bartender.

“Someone puked in the bathroom”, said Jimmy.
The bartender looks at him straight-faced, “Oh yeah? Who did that?”

“I did”, confessed Jimmy “but I cleaned it up. I used my pants”, Jimmy grinned rewardingly.
“They smell though, so I left them in the bathroom” Jimmy continued.

“Oh yeah? Then how are you going to pay for your tab?”

“Oh, uh..” Jimmy stuttered, “I’ll be right back”

Jimmy returns in five minutes and hands the bartender a soggy twenty dollar bill.
“It’s kind of smelly”, Jimmy says.

And Jimmy did not get the job that day.

I Only Miss Her When I Am Ambitious

Fiction

She would be proud.

Not a mother or an aunt or grandmother.
They’re expected to support the decisions you make.
… otherwise they shouldn’t have brought me in this world!

Not a family love because that strikes you on a complete different level of emotions.

It’s a passionate love you experience with a significant other that sets off your drive, a spark; love and hatred.

It of course, doesn’t mean a thing when you’re actually together.

EVERY young couple takes themselves for granted.

Boys get a routine feeling, bore easily but are oblivious to how it affects their attitude.
Girls are aware of their attitude but hide their feelings so well, they blindly send bad vibes to everyone around them.

This is a stretch and of course open to disagreement but if you’ve never experienced a “I should have never left them” or “I should have treated them better”, you haven’t developed a true personality.
You haven’t experienced such a drive and helpless energy with such a miserable, empty-feeling of loss you can’t compare to anything else.

Is it loss that finds you the drive?

Yes.

That’s what I’m saying.
Let me share examples.

She saw me at my best. She saw me at my worst. She predicted me.

She was my female compatible and I never saw it when I had the chance. I knew she cared.
I expected it.

We broke up 68 years too soon.

I took her for granted and I had to learn.

When I lost her, I learned so much about me. Her and my feelings. How I failed a wonderful potential.

When you first realize it’s gone, a large part of you either dies or just goes away.
Humans will react like humans. They can shut down. You won’t be yourself, you won’t be anyone. You’ll just be.
But it’s GREAT. Use it!
Take all the time you need and put some effort into evaluating your true character and capabilities. Pinpoint your strengths and ignore your weaknesses.
You won’t need those, nor do you need something to remind yourself of how fucked up you are.

I always believed I was creative but I was stuck. My regular trait of procrastination turned into pure denial.
I couldn’t get anything accomplished because I just didn’t.
How did I overcome this?
I kinda didn’t.
But I sure as hell tried.
I created projects for myself and stuck to them. I judged my work on a high standard.

Although it wasn’t for me.
I finished them with an evaluation of “She would approve of this”.

She kept as my inspiration and I never needed to see her again.
All I can say is, try it. Use the pain and use it productively.

It’s a miserable feeling but never one I would not wish to anyone.
I screwed up so much but I’m almost glad I did.

She hates me but helped me so much.
If she read this, I would blame any future success on her.

It’s expected to hurt.
But a broken heart can be your strongest tool for happiness.